To: All Al Qaeda Fighters
From: Bin Laden, Osama
Date: 14 Feb 2006

Re: The Cave

Hi guys - We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really
come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a
jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few
concerns:

1. While it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should
be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid
excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep
the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster - have you?

I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the Halal
toaster/griller).

2. Its not often I make a video address, but when I do, I'm trying
to scare the hell out of most of the world's population, okay? That means
that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background
or keep doing the 'Wasssuuup' thing. Thanks

3. Food. I bought a box of Bega cheese slices recently, clearly
wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf of the fridge.
Today, two of my Bega slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm
saying.

4. I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance
ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. And please - do not chant
"Ossy, Ossy, Ossy. Oi Oi Oi" when I ride past on the donkey.

5. Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F**** DONKEYS" on the group
toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed in to me, whilst I was relieving myself
at the edge of the mountain.

6. The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse
that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge
of the mountain' will not be accepted in the future. (With donkeys there is
a grey area).

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying
to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them.

First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.